How Jack Stole My Virginity
by TheAutisticDuo
Summary: How the grinch stole christmas but the ghrinch is jack and christmas is my vergngity.


Every Bandit Down in Bandtville Liked my virginity a lot... But Handsome Jack,Who lived just north of Banditville, Did NOT! Handsome Jack hated my virginity! The whole my virginity season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all, May have been that his heart was two sizes too small. Whatever the reason, His heart or his shoes, He stood there on my virginity Eve, hating the Jews, Staring down from Helios with a sour, Handsome frown, At the warm lighted windows below in their town. For he knew every bandit down in banditville beneath, Was busy now, hanging a dead baby wreath. "And they're hanging their foreskins!" he snarled with a sneer, "Tomorrow is my virginity! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his handsome fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find some way to stop my virginity from coming!" For Tomorrow, he knew, all the bandit girls and boys, Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys! And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise! That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! Then the bandits, young and old, would sit down to a feast. And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! They would feast on poopoo-pudding, and rare peepee-roast beast. Which was something Handsome Jack couldn't stand in the least! And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all! Every bandit down in banditville, the tall and the small, Would stand close together, with my virginity bells ringing. They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the bandits would start singing! They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING! And the more Handsome Jack thought of this bandit my virginitySing, The more Handsome Jack thought, "I must stop this whole thing!" "Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!" "I MUST stop this my virginity from coming! But HOW?" Then he got an idea! An awful idea! Handsome Jack GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" Handsome Jack laughed in his throat. And he made a quick Nazi hat and a coat. And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great handsome trickerino!" "With this coat and this hat, I look just like Adolf Hitlerino!" "All I need is a skag..." Handsome Jack looked around. But, since skags are scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop the old Jack? No! Handsome Jack simply said, "If I can't find a skag, I'll make one instead!" So he called his dog, Rhys. Then he took some red thread, And he tied a big dick on the top of his head. THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks, On a ramshackle sleigh And he hitched up old Rhys. Then Handsome Jack said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh started down, Toward the homes where the bandits Lay asnooze in their town. All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air. All the bandits were all dreaming sweet dreams without care. When he came to the first little house on the square. "This is stop number one," the old Handsome Jack hissed, And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch. But, if Hitler could do it, then so could Handsome Jack. He got stuck only once, for a moment or two. Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue. Where the little bandit stockings all hung in a row. "These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!" Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, Into my urethra, and he took every present! Pop guns! Meat bicycles! Roller skates! Drums! Menorahs! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums! And he stuffed them in bags. Then Handsome Jack, very nimbly, Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney! Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the bandits' feast! He took the poopo-pudding! He took the roast beast! He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash. Why, that Jack even took their last can of bandit-hash! Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee. "And NOW!" grinned Handsome Jack, "I will stuff up the tree!" And Handsome Jack grabbed the tree, and he started to shove, When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast, and he saw a small Jew! Little Captain Flynt Bandit, who was not more than two. Handsome Jack had been caught by this tiny bandit daughter, Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water. She stared at Handsome Jack and said, "Nazi, why," "Why are you taking our my virginity? WHY?" But, you know, that Handsome Jack was so smart and so slick, He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! "Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Adolf Hitler lied, "There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side." "So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear." "I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here." And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head, And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed. And when Captain Flynt went to bed with her cup, HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up! Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire! Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar. On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire. And the one speck of food That he left in the house, Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse. Then He did the same thing To the other Bandits' houses Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other Bandits' mouses! It was quarter past dawn... All the Bandits, still a-bed, All the Bandits, still asnooze When he packed up his sled, Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings! The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings! Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit, He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!


End file.
